Sunday, October 11, 2009 - The Albert County Republicans were relieved today to find out that the so called "Obama Death Panels" would not be coming to the county any time soon. In fact, the whole matter was just a false alarm. Long time Republican spokesperson, Norm Snapple, whose hearing is not what it used to be, mistakenly interpreted a recorded phone message warning him about clothes made with "Death Flannels" that would soon be filling the shelves over at the Wally-wally-auction-free-mart. But since "Death Flannels" are much more of a real danger than the aforementioned "Death Panels" we would like you all to still be very afraid.
After months of being absent from official functions due to illness, Commissioner Mel Squab finally passed a record-breaking 3 1/2-pound kidney stone. Abe21 was tipped off to the event during its inquiry as to why Civil Defense sirens unexpectedly sounded in the middle of the afternoon one day back in August. Apparently, the offending ear-piercing screeches issued forth from Squab, not Civil Defense.
The stone, depicted in the accompanying photo, has created quite a stir in the scientific community not only for its remarkable size, but because it was delivered fully-functioning and alive. Given the name Herbie, preliminary tests have revealed that the stone’s IQ surpasses that of its donor, Commissioner Squab. Witnesses recount that Herbie is also more articulate, speaking slower and actually affecting complete sentences.
Plans to cash-in on Herbie’s spreading fame by Albert’s local GOP Cabal with “Mel Got Stoned” products were dashed when Commissioner Squab announced that Herbie wants to become a Conservative Radio Talk-Show Host. Herbie quipped, “First I have to learn to use shorter, fear-based rhetoric to speak to that demographic audience.”
outhouse
Fees Over the Moon Rancher, Gy Johns, was shocked recently to receive a $1,700 bill from Albert County’s Building Department. Over heard protesting the inspector’s assessment, Johns was heard to complain, “All I wanted to do was put a new seat in my outhouse.” The counter clerk patiently explained the county’s need for revenue to off-set its budgetary problems. “Because the Republican administration can’t be seen raising taxes, they have to sneak in costs somehow.”
Johns, a life-long Republican, says, “I think my local party has gone nuts.” Asked if he’d ever consider voting for a Democratic BOCC in the future, Johns said, “Are you kidding, those guys always raise taxes to advance their Socialistic agenda.”
Johns reportedly skipped the new plastic seat and is sticking with the traditional wooden hole to save himself the $1,700.00.
Tapirs Lose
Tapirs Lose Homecoming Game 91-0
Thirteen unanswered touchdowns, set a Colorado Record. Students build manure monument in honor of the Tapir's effort
Albert GOP Searching for a Token Smart Person to Join Their Team!
Democrats Need Not Apply
Evil Gop
AVS FLV Player
The contents of the page could not be displayed.
This can be caused by the following reasons:
Microsoft Internet Explorer blocks the flash content on your page.
Click the warning in the upper part of the browser and select the
Allow Blocked Content... option to continue opening the page.
You need to install or upgrade your Flash Player. Please visit the Adobe site
to download and install the latest version of the Flash Player necessary to be able to display the contents of this page
Join Johnny Molehill Sports by clicking the Sports link on the right.
Aunt Ethel’s Western Toast Museum will be holding its Annual Octoberfest sale this week. According to Aunt Ethel (Albert County’s own Toast Whisperer), “for every loaf of toast sold, I will throw in a free jar of Squirrel-Nut Jam.”
Aunt Ethel is known far and wide for her historically accurate toast depictions of western icons. Tourists have been known to come from as far as Aurora to share in the western heritage of figures such as Wild Bill Hitchcock and Annie Oakley. “I once even sold a jar of Squirrel-Nut Jam to a stockbroker from New York who thought Albert County really is the Old West.”
Rumor has it that Ethel’s jam is Commissioner Don Slipper’s secret ingredient in his award winning pies, so in anticipation he has pre-ordered two cases of toast. Squirrel-Nut Jam is also touted to eliminate warts, heal piles, and is popular with hunters for its ability to repel mosquitoes. Patrons are encouraged to shop early while supplies last.
Blackie
Ask Blackie!
Click on the menu on the right hand side of the screen to get all of your questions answered by our resident advice columnist, Leonard "Blackie" Blackmon.
Save up to 100% on your next cruise... Stay Home and visit Lake Albert!
grasshopper sub
KidneyStone
outhouse
Blackie
Counter
